Before I got pregnant I heard about this magical thing called pregnancy where your skin glows, you feel nothing but love, people get off their seats for you and you feel this amazing immediate bond with the creature growing inside you.
I call bullshit.
Let me tell you the truth…
Obviously I knew about morning sickness but what I didn’t know is that it doesn’t just happen in the morning, it happens when it damn well wants to happen, at any given time of the day! They should call it ‘Hungry Sickness’ because that’s what it is, a warning to tell you to eat something or your gonna spew!
Ohhhhh let me tell you about cramps! We’re led to believe that cramps when you’re pregnant are bad. No. They are completely normal! I got excruciating cramps right from the start of my pregnancy and although they weren’t as bad, they lasted the whole way through. And according to my doctor I had the ‘perfect’ pregnancy.
I’ll admit, I used to get a bit of reflux every now and then before I was pregnant but OMG it was nothing compared to the reflux that my little cherub caused. I swear to god it felt like my insides were going to burn a hole in my chest pretty much every time I sat down or layed down.
Not only do you get back pain as well as having a little black belt baby kicking you internally in the vagina, but your hips and pelvis are also going through ALOT of movement and BOY did I feel it. Toward the end of my pregnancy I could barely move without saying ‘ouch’, I couldn’t sleep on one side for long so I would be tossing and turning ALL night! On top of that, I had sciatica in my legs from everything putting pressure on the nerves.
Otherwise known as death cramps. These buggers will wake you up from the first deep sleep that you’ve had all week and make you jump out of bed hobbling all around the bedroom trying to stretch your leg out for 20 minutes whilst screaming at the top your lungs because ‘it fucking hurts like a bitch!!!!’. Who cares if you wake up your partner, dog, cat and the neighbour. These fuckers will make you scream and those who are in your way at the time better watch out!
I am not a sweaty person… until I got pregnant and then I was ALWAYS sweaty. Apparently when you’re pregnant you’re always a couple degrees warmer than everyone else. Well I didn’t really feel warmer, just wetter… with sweat… everywhere!
Yes I believe this is a symptom. You truly do not understand how awkward pregnant sex is until you’ve tried it. It’s all fun and games when you have a small tummy but if you’re like me and had a gigantic belly from the start, then it’s goddam near impossible! Not that you feel like having sex anyway. I don’t know who started the rumour that pregnant woman are horny devils because according to me and every pregnant woman I’ve ever met, that is a whole load of crap. In fact, it goes the total opposite. Your fat, sweaty and tired. Sex is what got you into this mess in the first place and it’s the last damn thing on your mind.
Everyone jokes about baby brain. I’m here to tell you it is most defiantly a thing! I have never been so dumb as I was when pregnant. And for some reason, I swear I got worse at driving! It’s like the baby takes up half your brain and I still do not think it’s fully come back!
A common symptom. It is by far the worst. It’s all good and fine when you can stay home and sleep all day but dragging your pregnant ass out of bed every morning just gets harder every day. I wish I could say it gets better when your baby’s born, but honestly I think you just get used to being tired.
As if being tired all the time wasn’t bad enough, when you actually get to go to bed you can’t bloody sleep! Partly because you’re up to pee every hour but mainly because you just can’t sleep. I believe that this is natures way of preparing your body for what’s to come – never sleeping again.